Entering the Fire: Week 3: 109 miles, Diaz Lake to Mammoth Lakes
We went a short distance this week but it felt long. I was sick with Covid and still am. Mothers, however, don’t get sick days and Sabina seems to have entered another level of fussiness this past week which might be waning now (fingers crossed). Luckily she still sleeps a lot so I get at least one nap a day and a good rest at night!
Parenting is very akin to Zen training in that you keep being called to show up and stand tall for your life, whether it be comfortable or uncomfortable. Entering the fire is one of the hallmarks of true spiritual practice. Feeling deeply even the unbearable and in doing so, recognizing that it is indeed bearable and even somehow beautiful.
Besides the fires of sickness and parenthood, we are literally entering the fire, or at least the smoke, of the nearby Garnett fire. Many people, including us, often believe that humans, as a species, are living in a way that is killing life on Earth. Further we believe that these changes are bad. Yet, the truth is, we don’t know. Our vision is always partial and we never know for sure what direction things are going and if it is ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ What looks good one moment may look bad the next and what appears bad can turn good in a heartbeat. Not to make any solid conclusions is the most satisfying and wisest course of action. In Zen we say, ‘Not knowing is most intimate.’ Still, the question is how can we live our lives wholeheartedly with the best conclusions we have and still stay open and be ready to change at a moment's notice? Easy to say, liberating to enact.
The key is presence. To find peace in the chaos of constant change we must be present. Everyday I make an effort to be present with my actual moment to moment life. To be intimate with the feeling of Sabina’s skin as she sleeps on my shoulder, to feel the temperature of the air, the sensations of my feet on the ground, the feeling of heavy fatigue in my chest, the flow of breath. Every sensation is an opportunity to experience the intimate aliveness before conclusions, before the story of good and bad.
