Doubt: Pilgrimage Week 2: 190 miles, San Bernardino to Diaz Lake
It was a difficult week. Sabina seems to have gotten fussier, Soten was really feeling the weight of all his running, and I (Shinei) feel like I am almost continuously in the role of caretaker. This week we pilgrimaged 6 out of 7 days and now are taking just one day off before beginning again tomorrow so we can enjoy a three day weekend with Soten’s parents later this week.
A typical day for me so far goes as follows…
I wake up when Sabina rouses and Soten is leaving, usually around 6am. Sabina usually wakes up happy and after enjoying each other and nursing for a little while, she permits me to quickly get dressed and almost make a cup of coffee before she starts fussing to be picked up. Usually she is complaining as I rush to drink my coffee and get all the things needed for our morning walk with Samaya. Once ready, all three of us love being outside and walking. I also get a chance to do my morning prayer, some standing bows, and feel some deep breaths as we walk. Sometimes I also bring the phone and attend to any online pilgrimage tasks, messages, or emails during our walk. Sabina always falls back asleep in her sling carrier but promptly wakes up when we get back to the van. Then it’s a juggling act of cleaning up the van for the day, eating breakfast, and caring for Sabina. If I’m lucky she will be contented for our morning drive to meet Soten 20 miles north. If not, she cries as we drive, which I really feel bad about. I thought we wouldn’t use a pacifier but am now seriously considering one! Two mornings a week I try to squeeze in an hour long zoom Spanish lesson either before we leave or after we arrive at our next destination. Sometimes I also have to get water, food, or gas, or do laundry, or post the previous day’s Instagram. When we get to our next meeting place, Sabina wants to eat again and be held (as does Soten :) so I rush in between to try to prepare the van and food for his arrival.
Since Soten is working so hard running, my intention was to do all the cooking and chores, but I am never successful and about to let that one go although I feel bad asking him for help when he is so tired and needs to recover. He is usually very sweet and helps a lot with whatever is needed. After dishes, I sometimes get a bit of rest or do zazen or yoga which is heavenly unless it’s 105 degrees out! Sabina sometimes is fussy again in the afternoon and there are always things to do online or phone calls, or chores. Around 4 or 5pm Soten takes off for his final 10ish miles and I again juggle baby and dog care with organizing the van, driving, cooking and other chores until we meet at our sleep spot (which is usually a beautiful pull off near the highway).
After dinner I try to clean up but often fail since evening time is usually when Sabina is most fussy and needs to nurse a lot until she falls asleep around 8pm. If I’m lucky she lets me get up to eat, brush my teeth, and do any last online stuff before I am too tired. But sometimes I just fall asleep while nursing and don’t wake up until the middle of the night. Luckily Sabina sleeps very well. Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of magical, sweet, and happy moments during the days together. We are connecting in a very intimate and beautiful way and I love her so much! I try to talk with her mostly in Spanish and I think she said ‘hola’ today : )
But after two weeks of almost constant caretaking, I think I may be coming down with a cold!
One of my continual koans is how to get enough rest. I once heard that when someone asked a great calligrapher and Zen practitioner who was seemly constantly at work creating, writing, traveling, or teaching, “when do you find time to rest” he responded, “I’m always at rest.” This is my aspiration. I see that most, if not all, of the stress I experience is an unnecessary habit of mind. It is simply a matter of remembering to release the beliefs I am holding and the accompanying tension of heart and body. It is simply a matter of opening the mind wide and taking a deep breath, over and over again. And also intentionally releasing the things I think I have to do but actually don’t.
Of course I (and we) are encountering doubt. Is it really worth it? Is it healthy for us, for Sabina, for our relationship, for our practice? Is it going to work to raise the money we need for the practice center? Today we started to re-evaluate our fundraising goal. Perhaps we are aiming too high to start. Perhaps people need to see a functioning dharma community before they want to give big. We only raised 14k in this first week of advertising the fundraiser. Yes, we did only send out one email and a few instagram posts, so perhaps we just need to advertise more and reach out to more people. But perhaps people also need to see a functioning dharma community before they want to give big and we should ask for less for this initial campaign.
It’s always worth considering how much of our difficulty is simply the views and beliefs we are holding. I believe my body should feel a certain way, that Sabina shouldn’t cry, that I should be a particular kind of mother and wife and have time to rest and sit meditation and do yoga and take care of Samaya and all the things I want to accomplish, and that our fundraiser should be growing by an exponential number each day. Is that true?
Another way to see it is…
How amazing that so many people gave this week and we raised almost 14k in one week! We even got a few donations from strangers that saw the sign on our van at a rest stop. So kind! We are working so hard and taking such good care of Sabina and Samaya, each other, and Bells Mountain from afar. The weather has cooled, we have a beautiful family, all the food and water we need, and the landscape is breathtakingly beautiful. It’s perfect as it is.
Hogen Roshi would always say that when we make a vow, we encounter all the obstacles. So here we are with at least three vows, the vow to take care of our daughter, the vow to complete this pilgrimage, and the vow to found a dharma center. Of course we are encountering many obstacles!
